Men/Sex

Relight my fire: How to rescue a boring sex life before it fizzles out entirely

You and your man used to have a happening sex life. Now, you’re lucky if you got to do it even once a fortnight. But how did you get to this point and what can you do about it?
 

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When you first got together, no doubt you and your guy probably had a pretty decent sex life. You did it whenever you wanted, wherever you wanted, and it was always exciting and fun. Of course, back then you probably had a lot more energy than you do now. You probably also had fewer responsibilities. Fast-forward to today, and your lives have been taken over by the kids, work and other stresses. And, as much as you hate to admit it, your once-happening sex life has had to take a backseat. Perhaps you only manage to have sex once a month these days; or maybe you’re not having sex at all.

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Martha Tara Lee, a clinical sexologist at Eros Coaching says that couples stop having sex for a variety of reasons. The main one, she says, is physical and mental fatigue. After all, with children, heavy workloads and household responsibilities, it’s often hard to find the energy for sex. And then there’s emotional conflict. In a long-term relationship, miscommunication is inevitable; but instead of resolving these issues, she says that many couples sweep them under the carpet, where they tend to fester, resulting in resentment and other negative emotions. “These problems can affect how partners view each other and in turn, leave them feeling less attracted to each other and with little desire to make love and connect intimately,” Martha adds.

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Signs that your sex life is headed for trouble

Okay, so your sex life isn’t exactly dead, but you’re definitely not doing it as much you used to. Here are a few clues that you need to save it before it disappears completely:

  • You and your partner are having less sex
  • You are and your partner are fighting about less sex or no sex
  • You and/or your partner are feeling sexually frustrated due to less sex
  • This problem has gone on for more than six months
  • You don't see the situation changing even though you’ve raised your concerns to your partner

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What can you do to save your sex life?

If you want to have more sex with your man, Martha has some advice:

Make time for it: The only way super-busy couples can enjoy more sex is if they make time for it. “You just have to schedule it so that it can take place. There’s no other way around it,” Martha says. So pick a time when you’re both relatively free and relaxed – like a Sunday morning, for example, and just do it. And if you’re too exhausted for sex by the time you get home from work, see if you can wake up 20 minutes earlier on a weekday for morning sex.

Initiate it: If you want to have sex more often with your spouse, just say it. “If you want something you have to make it known or ask for it, so make the first move, and tell your man why you love having sex with him and why sex is important to you – for instance, it feels good, it helps you feel more relaxed, and it helps you feel closer to him,” says Martha. 

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Have an honest dialogue about sex with your man: If your sex life is really bothering you, discuss it with your spouse. Talk about the possible reasons why you’ve been having less sex or why you haven’t been enjoying it as often, and explore solutions together. If you’ve been harbouring resentment towards your man, for instance, and that’s been affecting your sexual desire for him, let him know.

If you feel that your sex life has become boring and you haven’t been as excited about getting intimate with your guy for that reason, be open about it. Martha just advises you to use a non-blaming tone and to keep the conversation light-hearted and positive; think stuff like, “Sweetie, I’ve noticed that we’re no longer having sex like we used to. Can we talk about it?” or  “I really enjoy making love with you, babe, but I’d like to try a new position tonight– what do you think?"

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