Men/Sex

True story: “I'm 'trapped' in a sexless relationship with a man I deeply love”

We hardly have sex but he’s still ‘the one’ for me, even though we behave more like friends instead of husband and wife
 

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When I first met Zack*, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. That first night, as we chatted over drinks and chicken wings at a mutual friend's party, I told myself that if I didn't end up with him, I might as well say goodbye to ever getting married.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those women who believes in concepts – or 'fantasies' as I call them – like love at first sight and pre-destined happy endings. I didn't even find Zack very attractive on a physical level, if I'm being honest. But what drew me to him was this natural warmth that he exuded. He came across as a guy who would take care of the woman he loved, no questions asked. He was genuine, down-to-earth and filled with old-school charm. He also had a wicked sense of humour that, for some reason, nobody else in that room but me seemed to get.

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We exchanged numbers that night and started going out soon after. My first impression was confirmed on every other date with him – he wasn't just putting on a front, trying to impress me, he really was a very nice guy.

After a few months, Zack told me that he has never ever thought of getting married which shocked me as he came across as rather old-fashioned. He said that he didn't want to have children so didn't see tying the knot as something he would do in his life. I appreciated his honesty then confessed that I wasn't into the whole kids thing either; I had nephews and nieces and loved being an aunt but never saw myself as a mother. But I did like the idea of being married, more so because I looked forward to having someone to share my life experiences with.

Taking the Next Step

Once all this was out in the open, I felt Zack relax a whole lot more. He later confessed that he was worried that I was one of those women who saw him as a ticket to marriage and children and he wanted to let me down early if that was the case. I felt that we were a lot closer after all this was revealed, probably because we were able to let our guards down and just be ourselves totally, without any expectations of the other person.

After two years of dating, I brought up the idea of marriage with Zack. We were so entwined in each other's lives and I felt we should take the next step and live together. He thought about it for a few weeks then surprised me with a beautiful proposal.

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But, before I said yes, we spoke about it a lot more as I wanted to be sure that I wasn't putting pressure on him to do anything he didn't want to do. He assured me that I wasn't forcing him but stressed that there was no way he was going to change his mind about having kids. I promised that I wouldn't sway on this topic of children too. 

So we got married and the first year together was bliss. Living together was so easy and pleasant and I looked forward to weekends cuddling on the sofa with my husband. Our sex life was good too. We started having sex a few months into our relationship but I'll admit it didn't blow me away. Zack got the job done every time and was an attentive lover but I don't think either of us really saw sex as a very important part of our relationship.

Our sex life picked up after we got married as we relished the idea of being able to do it almost anytime (and anywhere) we wanted in our home. But the 'novelty' soon fizzled out and we went back to having sex around a couple of times a month.

No Sex, Please

Then it all stopped. It's been almost a year since we last had sex but neither of us has a problem with that or even made a move to get any action. If I'm in the mood for a bit of sexual gratification, I masturbate and I think my husband probably does the same too. Between our busy work lives and the stresses that come with it, it's a lot easier and quicker this way.

Our lives together feel more like flatmates than a married couple. It's not that I don't love him anymore – in fact, I think I probably love him more now, seeing how he looks after me in our everyday life (which proves my first impression of him was right). We still cuddle and kiss each other but that's as physically intimate as we get.

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I've never been the type of woman who gauges a man's love by the presents he buys me or the number of times he tells me he loves me. I know Zack still loves me as he's as caring and attentive towards me as he's always been. He has never told me that he's unhappy with me or our marriage and has never given me any reason to believe that he's cheating on me.

Apart from the sexual aspect of our relationship, he's still the man I fell in love with and I plan to stick strongly to our marriage vows and want him as my companion for the rest of my life. If it means that sex isn't part of that equation, that's fine with me.

*Names have been changed.

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