Men/Sex

One date wonder: The real reason he ghosted after a great first date

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Two years ago, I met a guy online. A smart, interesting and witty guy who, needless to say, completely charmed me into agreeing to a date. We met on a Sunday afternoon for coffee, which turned into dinner, and later, a walk along Robertson Quay – where, in true romcom fashion, we met and cooed over two adorable pugs called Popcorn and Kernel. At 9pm, some six hours after we first met, I reluctantly made my excuses, because I had some grocery shopping to do. To my surprise, he offered to come along.

The conversation continued to flow, we laughed a lot, and when we finally parted ways at 9.30pm, I went home happy. I definitely had the feels, and if my hunch was on the mark (because seriously, how many first dates last six hours?), so did he.

Turns out I was wrong, because I never heard from him again.

The one-date wonder

I’ve since written this off as “one of those things” in my dating history.

But I’ve always wondered what happened. Was it something I said? Or did I read all the signs wrong and he wasn’t as into me as I thought? Then why did he hang out with me for so many hours?

The Internet assured me I wasn’t alone in my bewilderment.

Over half of 40 Singapore women I polled online said they too have had great first dates turn into vanishing acts. And we’re not talking about a run-of-the-mill meet-up over coffee where pleasantries are exchanged, and the date filed away as average. These women genuinely believed there was mutual attraction, undeniable connection, and that they had perhaps found their happily ever afters. 

Running Man

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Take Jessica R* for example. She hit it off with a guy on Tinder, who unwittingly asked her out on her birthday. She was upfront about it, and told him she was happy to reschedule so he wouldn’t have the added pressure of making her birthday special on a first date. He insisted on keeping to the original plans, so they went out and had a great time.

“He was charming, and the conversation flowed super easily without the aid of alcohol, which in my experience, is really hard to do on a first date,” she lamented. “We didn’t just talk about our interests and hobbies. We talked about the things that mattered – like what we do for work and why, what our families mean to us, and significant events that changed our outlooks on life.”

When the date came to an end, Jessica was certain that she would hear from him again – and she did. Almost immediately after they parted ways, her phone buzzed. It was him – sending her a link to a song they had talked about over dinner. Then, inexplicably, he pulled a Houdini.

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In some cases, as great as a date seems to be going, the men don’t even wait until the end to vanish – a horror Rebecca* had to live out. “We were sharing a whole chicken at Poulet, and he saw me struggling to cut it up. Immediately, he started deboning the meat for me, giving me the drumsticks and thighs because he remembered me saying I don’t like the other parts.

“Throughout dinner, he was incredibly attentive, and after that, we proceeded to drinks and a movie. Post-movie, he went to the bathroom – and poof. He never came back, and I never heard from him again.” The guy blocked Rebecca’s number, so she wasn’t able to contact him further.

Like me, Jessica and Rebecca couldn’t understand why these guys bailed – even though it seemed like they really enjoyed their company. We found ourselves agonising over what could have gone wrong, and spent hours analysing how we could have so badly misread the situation. Then came rage that he had dared to vanish without a proper explanation.

I’ve seen friends check their phones constantly, hoping for the text that would put an end to their misery. It never came.

Chasing him down

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After hearing their stories, I decided there was only one thing to do. I put my pride aside, sifted through my phone history to find Guy’s number (you know, the one who spent six magical hours with me, then never called again), and sent him a text. “Hey, this is really random. But how have you been?”

I held my breath. It had been almost two years since that date. Would he still remember me, and more importantly, would he finally give me an answer as to why he ghosted all those months ago?

“Heya,” came his reply. Yes, he did remember me.

And he assured me that we did get along well (great to know I wasn’t completely delusional). “I was going through a phase where I was pretty playful and wasn’t ready to settle down,” his text read. “I just didn’t feel that it was right to continue going for it, knowing that I wouldn’t be serious in the long term.”

Oh. You could have just told me, I shot back.

“I wasn’t really sure how to say it – ‘hey, sorry, I’m actually just looking for sex’?”

Fair point. This made me realise that no matter how great the chemistry, a good thing doesn’t go anywhere if you both aren’t looking for the same thing. I couldn’t give that guy the no-strings-attached sex he wanted, and neither could he give me the hearts and flowers I craved.

But if you’re waiting to hear how we rekindled our friendship and went on a very belated second date, that’s never going to happen. He’s put that part of his life behind him, is now in a committed relationship with someone else, and very happy. So am I – both for him and for some much-appreciated closure. In hindsight, it’s just as well it ended that night at Robertson Quay.

Now that I had heard from one guy, I needed to know more. After all, I owed it to all the other women who never got a resolution like I did.

So I chased down other men who had done runners to get my answers. And here’s what I discovered – there’s absolutely no way to predict the outcome of a great first date, even if you’re 99 per cent sure he’s going to call.

 

READ MORE: 4 ways to salvage an awful first date (if you want there to be a second)! and Follow these 8 first date dinner tips to bag the man.

 

KTHXBYE… Why?

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I’ll tell you why. Deal-breakers. They can easily wipe out the potential for a great first date to turn into something more. Andrew* was looking for a serious relationship, and believed he had found the right girl on a dating app. “She was adorable,” he said. “We had so much to talk about, and I was attracted to both her looks and her cheerful disposition. But midway through drinks, she mentioned wanting to date someone who shared her faith. I’m an agnostic, and didn’t know how to break it to her, so I only smiled in response.”

He was disappointed, but not wanting to be rude, stayed on till the end of the date despite knowing that it was a no-go. “I respect her decision, but in my mind, it didn’t make sense to contact her again.”

Here’s the thing: anything can be a deal-breaker. It all depends on what the other person considers to be a hard limit. For Andrew, it was about different religious beliefs, but it could boil down simply to different lifestyles or preferences. An avid dog lover, for example, might nix a girl who hated animals. At the end of the day, it’s simply about whether he feels it’s worth the effort to compromise – for something that’s not guaranteed a happy ending.

Andrew says once that dealbreaker has been identifi ed, it’s hard to see past it – regardless of how great the girl is. “While I felt it was a pity things didn’t work out, I didn’t feel upset. Ending it immediately was the practical thing to do, and I’ll just keep looking.”

Head over heart

For other guys, it’s about being practical. Nicholas* had been chatting casually with a girl on a dating app. Things seemed promising, so after a week and a half of online banter, he asked her out. “During the date, there was definitely mutual attraction. Even the occasional silences in the conversation felt comfortable,” he said. Things seemed like they were headed in a positive direction, but it was only after he got home and did some reflecting that reality set in. “I realised it wasn’t going to work out. My biggest concern was that we didn’t come from the same background – my family is wealthier and owns several properties, whereas she’s from a more humble family background. I know it sounds elitist, but I think it’s a valid concern,” Nicholas explained. It didn’t help matters that he knew his parents would expect him to make a more suitable match.

Nicholas says it might sound both superficial and transactional, but for him, the perfect match is about more than just love and chemistry. Anticipating that his date’s family background was likely to pose diffi culties in the future, Nicholas decided to cut his losses and avoid putting either party through a “let’s hope it works out” situation. He admits, though, that had their backgrounds been more similar, he definitely would have pursued a second date.

Nicholas’ attitude reflects today’s dating climate – where no one wants to just settle.

Could there be someone better out there?

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So how did people get so disposable, even after just one date? Norman Li, Associate Professor of Psychology at Singapore Management University, says we have Tinder to thank for killing the romance.

“Chemistry is always a good thing, but people feel like it’s not as special anymore because it’s not exclusive to one person,” he says. “Dating apps and social media make us feel that we have plenty of options, even if that perception isn’t realistic.Our brains are now wired to judge a person based on how he or she compares to what we see online.” So while he may have thought the date went great, at the back of his mind would be a niggling thought – could there be someone better out there?

“It’s not enough for these people to commit at the stage of first dates, because they feel that there’s always another opportunity that’s just one swipe away,” says Prof Li.

And in the age of social media and #couplegoals, it’s so easy to buy into the concept of perfection. “These online portrayals of so-called perfect romance make people think ‘this should happen to me’,” he adds.

Issues that might not have been a problem just two decades ago are now considered deal-breakers. Nicholas is the perfect example: “I know that some people feel like they have to settle, because their biological clock is ticking or just because marriage is the natural progression after being together for a long time. But I believe that it is possible to get it all, or at least get as close as possible to my ideal,” he says.

So if a great first date comes to naught, chances are it’s probably for the best. We’ve heard ad nauseam that “it’s not you” when things go south, but in these cases, it could really be true.

I spent so much of my dating life seeking closure, because I felt that without it, I’d have no peace of mind. But hey, it turns out you can’t rely on men to give you that. So I’m doing it my way – being cool with not knowing, and just moving on.

*Names have been changed

This article was originally published in the May 2017 issue of Her World.

READ MORE: My Worst First Date: “Getting to know all about my Valentine’s ex-wife” and 6 mistakes to never make on a first date​

True story: "My husband hasn't touched me in more than two years"

Photo: 123rf.com

“Most of my friends think that David* and I have a great marriage. In many ways, we do. We’ve been married for 12 years, and David has always been a good provider and an amazing dad to our three young children.

We’re a close family – holidays twice a year with the kids, and on our wedding anniversary, David and I do something romantic together – just us. Usually, it’s a staycation at an expensive hotel or a short break overseas.

On the surface, everything seems great. But there’s something even those in my inner circle don’t know: David and I haven’t had sex in more than two years and I can’t figure out why.

Every night, we sleep in the same bed, but he doesn’t initiate sex the way he used to. Whenever I try, he makes it clear that he’s not interested, by gently pushing my hand away when I try to take his clothes off or saying that he’s not in the mood for sex.

 

It wasn't always this way
We used to have sex about two or three times week, and we could get pretty adventurous – experimenting with new positions, engaging in role play, and acting out our  fantasies.

Of course, once the kids came along, that dwindled, but we still had sex at least once every couple of weeks. We didn’t have as much time or energy to experiment, but I think it was still a sex life most people would consider normal and fun. David and I took turns initiating sex and, unless one of us was really tired, we always made it a point to be intimate with each other. As a lover, I’d say David was attentive and generous.

I remember the first time his rejection baffled me. I reached over to touch David in a way that implied I wanted to have sex with him. He didn’t let me touch him. Instead, he was curt – pushing my hand away, with no explanation.

I was stunned because he’d never done that before, and had always been careful with my feelings. If he was tired, he would be upfront about it and suggest we wait until the next day. And he always delivered. I was hurt, but told myself he was just tired and not in the mood. At that point, I also wanted to give David the benefit of the doubt, so I ignored how I felt, and went to sleep.

 

READ MORE: True story: ‘I turned to sex work to numb the pain after getting raped’ and Five simple ways to revive your sex life​

 

The constant rejection

Photo: 123rf.com

David’s rejection of my sexual advances continued over the next few weeks. Every time I tried to touch him, remove his clothes, or cosy up to him in bed, naked, he would either move my hands away, or squirm in discomfort.

After constantly being rejected for a couple of months, David’s behaviour started to really bother me. I tried to be spontaneous – entering the bathroom with a plan to have sex in the shower – only to be told that he didn’t have time for that. I tried wearing lingerie to bed – only for him to laugh at me, and tell me it looked stupid.

I was so angry and upset. But more than that, I  was confused – David had always liked seeing me in lingerie. I couldn’t understand the change in his behaviour. 

I tried talking to him about it, but the answers were always the same – over and over, he would tell me he was fine, and that nothing was wrong. He just didn’t feel like having sex. At one point, I was so frustrated that I snapped.

‘What about my needs?’ I asked.

David’s reply stunned me. ‘Oh please, we don’t need to have sex to be happy.’

After that, I only made a few more attempts, because I could no longer deal with the rejection. It humiliated me.

Talking to David about this has become too hard – I get emotional and cry or lash out at him, while he just shuts down. But what puzzles me most is that he’s still very affectionate – he kisses me, reassures me that I’m attractive, and tells me that he loves me.

 

The husband I just can't figure out

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But we don’t have sex or do anything remotely sexual, so I can’t help but feel dejected and unloved. I’ve racked my brain over what the problem might be, but I’ve come up empty. As far as I know, David’s doing well at work, and we don’t have any financial stress at home. I’ve considered that he might have erectile dysfunction, but I feel he would tell me if he did. We've always been honest with each other.

I want David to see a marriage therapist, or at least talk to his doctor – but I don’t know how to bring it up without offending him. He is a proud man, and unlikely to discuss his problems with others.

I’ve resigned myself to the idea that I may never have sex with my husband again. The thought of that makes me sad, and I try not to dwell on it, but it really hurts. I miss the intimacy and fun that we shared, and I feel I no longer know him. I wish he would stop being so selfish. I hope I’ll fi nd the courage to properly broach the subject with him so we can fix whatever is wrong.

I don’t want to split up with him over this because I love him, and we’ve built a life together. But every day that passes without us having sex only makes me feel more resentful and distant towards him.”

*Names have been changed.

This story was originally published in the May 2017 issue of Her World.

READ MORE: This is how much sex you'll need to truly be happy in your marriage and TRUE STORY: "I'm in a sexless marriage"​.

The ugly truth behind sending penis pictures

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Let me set the scene for you.

My ex boyfriend (from a few years ago) has, for reasons I cannot work out, suddenly decided to get back in touch and wants to speak every day. We didn't have a bad split and he still makes me laugh and I am happy to be friends...but that's it. Just friends.

I'm a one chance kinda gal. I now have no feels. None. But, I do remain friends with my ex boyfriends and I am happy to chat, skype, text, whatever. This particular ex is HILARIOUS and he had me in stitches for my train journey home. But then, the giggles stopped...

...after he sent me an unsolicited penis pic.

So there I am on the phone chatting to him about life and he goes "check your whatsapp" only for me to quickly close the screen again after his huge genitals were staring back at me.

The conversation that followed went something like this:

Me: "Okay soooo, honey, you need to listen up cos I'm about to get real on your butt. Do you realise that sending me your penis does absolutely nothing for me whatsoever, never has, never will? When I loved you, when I don't - I don't want that pic. It's not just your particular one or anything, it's all of them. They do nothing for me...and it's not just me, all girls feel the same. We don't care for a penis pic. We girls literally don't feel anything except maybe a bit shocked, that's it. Guys love a naked pic from us but we don't have the same reaction back. Plus, I don't even fancy you anymore. So I really don't want that D and I certainly don't need it on my phone staring back at me."

Him: "Babe...why didn't you tell me this years ago?"

Me: "I thought all guys knew this!"

Him: "No, we don't. Cheers for telling me earlier woman...Tshhh could have saved me a lot of agg"

Me: "So, you thought when you sent me that I was suddenly going to ask to see you again or what? Nah mate."

Him: "Well, babe, you've changed my world."

Me: "I know. Thank me later."

Image: 123rf

Thus, I saw I needed to write this article, so that all the men get the same frank conversation that I thrusted upon my dearest ex boy. This is the truth dudes - we really do not care for penis pics. Even when I am madly in love with a man, I literally do not need a penis shot stored in my gallery. I get off more looking at his face, his body - doesn't even need to be naked or topless for me. I prefer to use my imagination. I don't ever see a penis pic and get immediately horny. I usually just giggle, or stare in disbelief and then - I SEND IT TO MY GIRLS.

That's the next thing I need to come on to here - women are just as bad as men and if she tells you she's never shown her mates your pics, she is probably lying. We all give it a share, either in a Whatsapp group chat or we show each other after a few drinks. Whether it's to discuss size or just to LOL, that pic will get seen by many others. Ok? We boast too. We show off too. Don't be fooled gentlemen...even if she's a good girl and the love of your life, she may have quickly flashed her best mate the phone screen once after some cocktails.

So, what about all of this the other way round, women to men? Firstly, I am well aware my naughty images have probably been seen by more than the recipient. I could threaten to break-up with my boyfriend and I'm sure they'd still have a cheeky pint and a sneaky share of me topless down the pub. It's human nature. I'd prefer it not to be the case but I am not an idiot and I understand the reasons behind the sharing. If you're worried / concerned about anyone else seeing you naked - do not send any pictures. It's that simple. If you send a naughty picture, be prepared to accept a third party may view it at some stage.

Image: 123rf

I'm aware guys DO love receiving pictures of girls. Requesting images minus some clothing seems to be the norm when guys are dating these days. Men are very visual when it comes to sex and pictures are often used as ‘material’ when you're absent. The less clothing, the better for men.

You see, and this is the main point to take from the article, is this fact: how we feel about D pics is the opposite of how men feel about our nude pics. This is why we receive unsolicited penis pics because they assume we have the same reaction they get when they receive unsolicited pics of us.

They love it. We don't. They want more and more and more. We didn't even want one. They get horny, we cringe out a bit. Sure, there are always exceptions and there are always girls who want to see as much D as possible, but I'm talking about the majority here.

I've never spoke to a girl who said “Oh when he sent me his penis in an image I loved it”.

Usually, it goes something like "omg never guess what Jake sent me last night, check this out but be prepared to wish you can unsee things..."

Whereas men are more like "mate, check the breasts from a girl I met on Tinder."

This is just life. Let's accept it.

Penis pic rant over. Go forth and sext away...unless you got a penis. Then can you stop please?

10 questions to ask before marriage

Image: Ruslan Grigoriev / 123RF Stock Photo

ASK YOURSELF

1. “Why do I want to get married?”

Newsflash: People actually do get hitched for the wrong reasons. If you’re marrying to make your parents happy or to avoid being left on the shelf, you’re better off returning that diamond ring, says Jasmine Siang, a psychotherapist at Heart-to-Heart Psychotherapy. “Because I’m in love” is not a strong enough reason, either. You marry someone because you want to create a future with him even after the lovey-dovey feelings fade.

2. “What are my expectations once I’m married?”

This is important, so start listing your topmost wants and needs in a marriage. Be realistic – “My husband must chauffeur me around everywhere” shouldn’t necessarily be top of your list. However, you can think about how you want your husband to treat you: Are you expecting him to give up certain habits, like his Saturday soccer dates with the boys? Would you expect him to reconsider overseas job postings if it meant a long-distance marriage?

3. “Is he someone I can see myself growing old with?”

The thought of the two of you being 80-year-old lovebirds may evoke an “Aww, how sweet” reaction. But before you get there, you will have to contend with a multitude of ups and downs – and no, it’s not just about waking up one day and discovering your hubby is bald. Be prepared for changes in his health, goals and expectations, and even crises such as a retrenchment, says Jasmine. Can you handle these?

 

ASK YOUR MAN

4. “Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?”

If he mentions superficial qualities, such as your looks, sex appeal, social or financial status, run like the wind. Better answers: He wants to build a home and a family together, to grow old with you, or because he simply can’t imagine a future without you, Jasmine points out.

5. “Do you want kids, and what kind of parent will you be?”

Don’t wait until after you’re married for your man to tell you that he never intends to be a dad, or that he expects you to be the disciplinarian, warns Jasmine. If you both want children, you should also have similar beliefs about how to raise them.

6. “What are your expectations of me as a wife?”

Does he hope that you will put his career before yours? Does he expect you to sacrifice your lifestyle – such as nights out with the girls and solo holidays – for him? Discuss these, and also tell him your expectations of him as a husband.

7. “Will you be with me till the end?”

What happens if you’re diagnosed with a terminal illness? Will he stick around to care for you? How does he feel about your possibly not being able to fulfil your duties as a wife and mother? Nobody likes to talk about death when they’re selecting wedding favours, but your man’s answer will speak volumes about his devotion to you, says Jasmine.

 

ASK THESE AS A COUPLE

8. “How will we deal with disagreements?”

Problems with kids, in-laws and money… these are all issues you may face. You can’t pre-empt every one of them, but you can set guidelines for tackling disagreements. If you know that you’re prone to lashing out when you’re upset, you could explain to your man that you’ll need a time-out after every argument to collect your thoughts. Or, you might agree to never go to bed angry at each other

9. “What do we believe makes for an ideal marriage?”

This is a biggie. The point of this question is to see if you share similar core values and beliefs about marriage. Ease into the discussion with this exercise: Write down the top three things that you think make for a happy union – sex? Financial stability? A big family? Then compare your answers.

10. “How will we keep our romance alive?”

Date nights and holidays may not always be possible, especially after you have kids. Think of practical ways to keep the romance going. And though these may be the furthest things from your mind as you select wedding lingerie, discuss how you will deal with a relationship or sexual rut.

10 ways to impress your man's parents

Image: kzenon / 123RF Stock Photo

So your boyfriend is taking your relationship one step further by introducing you to his parents. It's normal to be nervous in such a situation but there's no need for it to turn into a horror movie, if you follow these tips.

 

DO YOUR RESEARCH

Find out as much as you can about his family. We don't mean stalking their social media accounts, just ask your guy what they're like. Also learn simple things like everyone's names and what they do for a living. And find out if he has introduced any other women to his family before, so you know the level of seriousness of this meeting for both yourself and his family.

 

DRESS APPROPRIATELY

Showing too much skin or cleavage is definitely a no-no. See-through tops are a bad idea too, as are too-short skirts. And go easy on the makeup too. But don't dress sloppily either – show that you've made an effort. First impressions do count, after all. If you're going to their house, a pair of jeans and a nice casual top is fine, along with a pair of low heels. If you're meeting at a restaurant, dress according to its dress code.

 

NO PDA, PLEASE

Avoid being overly touchy with your boyfriend. It's okay to hold hands if you're walking but don't do it while you're sitting next to each other. Chances are that he won't want to get too physical in front of his folks either but if he does try, stop him politely and tell him quietly that it isn't appropriate in this scenario.

 

BRING A GIFT

If you're going to his parents' house, don't go empty-handed. A bottle of wine or a box of chocolates are good suggestions but make sure you don't offend them with your gift – you don't want to give them wine if they don't drink alcohol. Ask your guy but if he isn't helpful, a box of expensive chocolates or a bunch of flowers are safe options.

 

GET TALKING

Don't be a wallflower, get the conversation going. Ask them questions to show that you're interested in getting to know them. But stay away from controversial topics such as politics and religion; you don't want to get into any avoidable arguments, do you?

 

MIND YOUR MANNERS

Greet them politely and compliment them on their lovely home. If you're served a home-cooked meal, compliment the chef on the food. But, no matter how delicious it is, don't gobble it down or take massive portions. And thank them when you leave.

 

DON’T IGNORE OTHER

It's not just his parents you have to impress, the whole family counts. So if his siblings are there, ask them about their school or work. If he has nephews or nieces, get playful with them, but don't be over-friendly if you sense that they have overprotective parents. Ask your guy about them beforehand or assess the situation when you're there.

 

COMPLIMENT YOUR MAN

Praise your boyfriend when you get the chance as it shows how much you love him. If he got a promotion recently or won a trophy for his weekend football team, bring this into the conversation. His parents will be thrilled that you're as proud of him as they are.

 

OFFER TO HELP

If you're at their home, offer to help to set the table or clear it after the meal, or to do the dishes. This shows that you appreciate their efforts in preparing a meal and that you're willing to pitch in too. But make sure you know what you're doing; if you're not the domestic sort, you might want to stay away from the kitchen in case you embarrass yourself.

 

BE YOURSELF

Don't fake anything – they'll be sure to notice. Don't pretend to be someone who you think they want you to be, just be yourself. If your man loves you for who you are, chances are his parents will feel the same way too.

 

Think you're ready to take the relationship to the next level? Read our story on 4 signs to see if you are ready for marriage. For more relationship tips, check out our lifestyle section.

6 warning signs you might be dating a male gold digger

Image: bee32 / 123RF Stock Photo

There are a lot of articles for men on spotting gold diggers, but not the reverse. And thanks to the way Singaporean society works, they can be even harder to spot. We feel a need to amend that.

Call it the dark side of evolution, but over the years many men have learned to use their own version of gold digger tactics. Because society tends to expect men to do the paying, this poses an extra challenge to the male gold digger. It’s trickier for them to worm their way into your heart using your wallet.

Nonetheless, gender stereotypes also work to their advantage. If you never considered the prospect of a male gold digger, than they have the advantage of stealth.

Here are the red flags to watch out for:

1. He Has No Job and Isn’t Interested in Finding One

Some archetypes are favoured by male gold-diggers: the anti-establishment poet, the “before his time” entrepreneur, or the quintessential bike riding bad boy. There is a kind of edgy appeal to these archetypes, and the image costs little to pull off.

Being in such a relationship can be exciting, not least because you are defying social norms. It can even feel liberating.

The problem starts when your partner begins to lean on you for everything. They want you to pay on dates, and you’re the one buying gifts for parties. You’re also the one paying for plane tickets on vacations, or buying their wardrobe for them.

After all, you “understand” right? There’s no need to talk about money – the whole reason they love you is that you’re “above” such things.

Beware: there are plenty of guys who will leverage off their funny personality, or good looks, to deprive you of what you’ve earned.

See Also: 7 Things Singaporeans Get Wrong About Gold Diggers

 

2. He Experiences Constant Emergencies

Like their female counterparts, male gold diggers seem to keep running into emergencies. There’s always something unexpected that seems to need money. Favourites are:

  • Need to “fix” something of yours for you (e.g. I need to fix your TV for you, spot me $200 bucks while I lug it to the store myself. I’ll do it while you’re at work).
  • Need you to pay for this date because the paycheque is in next week, or else “we can’t go out, that would be sad.”
  • Need money for “medicine” (e.g. I have the worst migraines, I’m really dying. But it’s alright, I don’t want to waste money at the doctor’s. I’ll only go if you give me $200 and insist).

Notice that male diggers tend to be a little more subtle (and a lot more manipulative) when asking for money. Expect a lot of reverse psychology – they want you to insist on buying something for them.

 

3. He Has No Ambition

Gold diggers of both genders are rarely driven. Most of them just want to enjoy life now. There is no grand plan to start a company, or reach senior management, or change the world. Why would they want to? It suits them fine the way it is – they are already getting what they want without work.

If your partner leans on your for money and doesn’t want that to change, you probably have a gold digger on your hands.

 

4. He Encourages You to Buy Things For “Us”

Male gold diggers often encourage buying behaviour. They’re the ones prodding you to go ahead and overspend on a new bag or shoes, and maybe buy “us” a new car or TV while you’re at it.

They’ll always encourage you to spend because “there’s more to life than money”. If you ask them to handle the buying though, the response is usually “I would if I could.” But they never can.

Also, most of the purchases they encourage are things they will also benefit from (e.g. House, sports car, golfing equipment). Rest assured, they have very little interest in how much you like it.

 

5. He Asks Too Many Questions About Your Family’s Financial Background

Some male diggers are willing to invest in order for a payoff. One example is not being a male digger for years – they’ll be happy to buy your meals, your clothes, take you on holidays, etc.

Because what they want is your family’s wealth. This can be hard to hide, such as if you live in a bungalow or your parents drive a BMW. This kind of gold digger is “going long” – doing everything to look respectable until they can lay hands on your inheritance.

Common signs are prying questions about how much your family has, what they own, or who really makes the spending decisions. They may want a lot of details on who owns the family house, and how much is left on the mortgage (because they know a guy who can help).

Beware this breed of gold diggers. They are especially malign because they will go so far as to marry you and then dump you.

 

6. He Does a Sudden 180

Some male gold diggers are charming and don’t exhibit any such tendencies. For the first few dates at least. Once you are emotionally invested, they will make a 180-degree turn and start leaning on you for money.

If you find that you are suddenly paying a lot more, you should be suspicious. After all, he has exhibited the ability to look after himself financially; it shouldn’t be necessary for you to bleed cash over him every month. You may receive an excuse, like a sob story about him losing his job.

These relationships are especially hard to leave because you’ve already invested in it (we don’t money, we mean in terms of emotion). But don’t defy your instincts when you sense it’s happening.

 

SingSaver.com.sg is committed to helping Singaporeans find the right credit cards, personal loans, and other financial products with easy-to-use self-serve comparison tools. In a constantly changing financial landscape, SingSaver.com.sg strives to provide the most up-to-date accurate data and personal finance guides. Our mission is not only to help Singaporeans find the right financial products, but to empower everyone to make sound financial decisions.

What to do if your friends don't like your boyfriend

One thing a woman should never need to do is choose between her boyfriend and her friends. Unfortunately, such a situation arises sometimes, when your friends don't approve of your new man and it's really hard to make everyone happy. Here are seven ways to tackle this situation.

GET A REALITY CHECK

Ask yourself seriously why is it that your friends dislike him. You might be looking at your new guy with rose-tinted glasses and not see his faults that your friends have picked up. It could be because of the way he treats you in public so take a step back and look at things from their perspective and see if they do have a reason for not liking him. After all, your friends are meant to look out for you so give them the benefit of the doubt.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

If you think he's the one for you, talk to your friends and ask them to respect your choice. Tell them that you understand that they might not like his sense of humour or the way he dresses but there's more to him than that and that he's the one that you have chosen to be with. But don't be aggressive when saying this, you don't want to push your friends away because of a man, so be gentle. 

CHANGE THE SETTING

It could just be the case that your friends met him in situations that he's not comfortable with. He might be an introvert and they've only met him at parties or bars. Or he's not arty and you always seem to plan group nights out to the theatre. Arrange something in a surrounding that you know everyone will be comfortable in and do this in smaller groups so that everyone gets the chance to talk and get to know each other.

LET HIM GO...FOR A WHILE

If it has got to the stage where bringing your man out with your friends makes you feel uncomfortable, stop doing it. Shoving him in your friends' faces will not make things any better so take some time out. Don't neglect your friends though; go out with them as usual but separate your friends from your boyfriend for a bit. Give them time to see how happy you are and how you're not pushing them away, even though you know they don't approve of him. That will score you some points.

DON'T NEGLECT THEM

Have you been spending way too much time with your boyfriend and therefore constantly turning down your friends' invitations for nights out? Or when you're all out together, are you and your man hiding in the corner playing tonsil hockey, instead of socialising with everyone? It could be that your friends feel neglected and therefore 'blame' him. Don't disregard your friends just because you have a new man.

THE EX FACTOR

Sometimes, it really is as simple as the fact that they really liked the guy you used to be with. If your friends got along very well with your ex, it could be that they aren't willing to accept the fact that the two of you are over. Remind them why you both broke up, explain that you have moved on and tell them how this guy makes you happy now and that they shouldn't take their unhappiness out on him.

DEAL WITH IT

The easiest way to deal with the situation is to just, well, deal with it. Accept the fact that not everyone's going to think that your boyfriend is god's gift to this earth and therefore, not everyone is going to like and appreciate him the way you do. Stop forcing others to like him and move on with your life.

Want more tips? Check out our story 4 ways to get along with your man's friends, and more at our lifestyle section.

Image copyright: tomwang123RF Stock Photo

You're not alone, it's normal if your minds wander off while having sex and here's why

 

your laundry. Not very sexy, but totally normal!

Our brains are our biggest sex organs and need just as much love and (mental) caressing to get into the mood. But that doesn’t mean it can just switch off and stop thinking about everything else in your life.

 

READ MORE: My husband and I have 'hot sex' even though we are miles apart and here's how to not gain back the weight you lost

 

Bad habits like bringing your computer to bed doesn’t help. Spending hours staring at a glowing screen before bedtime can train your brain into seeing the bed as more than just a place to relax. So one important tip – the only thing that should be turned on in bed is you (and your partner, of course).

Our busy lives can make it difficult to turn off the naggy parts of our brain and turn on the good stuff, but a little meditation, relaxation and focus are great ways to start. Just try and bring it back to the moment and focus on what’s feeling good. But in case you can’t here are a few more thoughts from our readers to prove you’re not alone.

 

 

"What should we have for dinner after this?"

 

 

"Omg, I just wanna sleep!"

 

 

"Wait, was my phone ringing? Could it be work?"

 

 

"SO HOT, I'm perspiring."

 

 

"To babies and beyond!"

 

This story first appeared on CLEO, 7 April 2017.