Sex and relationships: Coming together
The image of a man and woman rising and falling together with increasing speed and finally ending in twin moans and gasps – the perfect simultaneous climax – is a common scene in romantic movies and books.
But it's highly uncommon in real life, say sex experts we consulted. Out of the Singapore women that we polled, 29% have never climaxed at the same time with their partners. 75% climax together five times or less out of every 10 times they have sex.
Coming together doesn't come by accident – it can be achieved
with a little effort. Singapore experts share how. Image: Corbis
We share the following expert tips on how to achieving synchronised Os:
THE EXPERT OPINION ON SIMULTANEOUS ORGASMS
Consultant psychiatrist Dr Calvin Fones says that many women might not be aware of how to time their own orgasms, or have the ability to come when they want. “Simultaneous orgasms require women to hurry and men to hold back,” adds clinical sexologist Martha Lee. She says that “most women usually need other forms of stimulation, like clitoral stimulation, in addition to penetrative intercourse” in order to climax.
But you shouldn't fret if your lovemaking doesn’t seem to match those onscreen scenes. “It’s the exception rather than the rule for most couples,” says Dr Fones. While it's fun to try practising, an overemphasis of it “may reduce your enjoyment of sex in general.”
If it’s so difficult to achieve, is it really worth the trouble? “Climaxing at the same time can provide a different kind of mutual enjoyment,” says Dr Fones. “After all, sex is about giving and receiving pleasure. To have that simultaneously intense moment is both exciting and pleasurable.”
1. WHAT HE CAN DO
According to Martha, the man needs to learn “to time and synchronise his ejaculation with her orgasm.” She adds that “some men may not wish to do so because they prefer not to hold back.” Helping your man learn how to control his ejaculation timing is key to climaxing at the same time, say our experts.
Teach him these tips:
- DO KEGEL EXERCISES REGULARLY
Yes, men should also do kegel exercises. He needs to squeeze his pubococcygeus muscles (the muscles used to stop urine flow) together, hold for a few seconds, and release. Repeat at least 10 times to form one set, and do three sets a day. Stronger muscles will give him increased control.
- LEARN THE START-STOP TECHNIQUE
Get him familiar with his body’s signals when he’s about to climax. During sex, before he reaches the point of no return, he should consciously minimise stimulation and relax his body. Start again after that; the more he practises, the easier it’ll be to delay his climax.
- PRACTISE THE SQUEEZE METHOD
Ask him to tell you when he feels the urge to release. You should then use your hand to firmly squeeze his penis just below the head for a few seconds. It's supposed to decrease blood flow and block the urethra. Continue making love when he’s more relaxed again. He can practise this multiple times with you during the same session, and he’ll eventually be able to control his timing without utilising the technique.
2. WHAT SHE CAN DO
Martha Lee tells you how you can work your way to that shared loving feeling.
- PREP YOURSELF FOR AN ORGASM DURING SEX
This might include stimulating your clitoris using his or your fingers, or a sex toy, during intercourse. When you are both ready to have orgasms, intensify the stimulation to trigger it.
- GET MECHANICAL
His hand or tongue can get tired but not a vibrator. One of you holding a vibrator over your clitoral area during penetrative sex is an effective way of ensuring a shared orgasmic experience, since the added stimulation can help to trigger your climax at the desired time.
- EXPLOIT THE ADVANTAGES OF MULTIPLE ORGASMS
Women are physiologically more capable of having multiple orgasms. Your partner can try to reach his peak when you have an orgasm for the second, third or fourth time.
3. HOW TO GET THERE TOGETHER
- LEARN WHEN EACH OTHER IS REACHING A CLIMAX
It can be as direct as telling your hubby so that both of you can relax into the sensation, or establishing predetermined cues like hand grips or quick nods. Other telltale cues include holding your breath or certain facial expressions that each person tends to make just before climaxing. Giving and recognising these signals can help each partner decide how much to hold back. Hearing, seeing and feeling your partner’s arousal also helps to trigger orgasms, making it easier to climax at the same time.
- TRY THE WOMAN-ON-TOP POSITION
Being on top gives you both easy access to your clitoris. When you’re nearing orgasm, you simply need to speed up, which can bring him to his own climax.
- EXPAND YOUR DEFINITION OF A SIMULTANEOUS O
Orgasms can also be achieved through manual or oral stimulation. Try the 69 position, where his mouth is touching your vaginal lips while your mouth is around his penis – it makes it easier to achieve simultaneous orgasms. It can also serve as a springboard to full-on intercourse.
- GET RHYTHMIC
Music has a powerful effect on our emotions, and can be a potent tool in expressing your sexuality when you’re making love. Try music that establishes a clear rhythm and motivates you to keep going at the same pace.
Dr Calvin Fones is a consultant psychiatrist at Gleneagles Medical Centre, Fones Clinic - Psychological Medicine, 6 Napier Road, #04-11, Gleneagles Medical Centre, (S) 258499; Tel: 6472-8924, email: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dr Martha Lee is a clinical sexologist and founder of Eros Coaching, a coaching company that provides coaching and counselling services on sexuality and intimacy. For find out more about Eros Coaching, email email@example.com or go to www.eroscoaching.com
This article was originally published in SimplyHer April 2011.